Monday, December 18

Male Mood Boosters!

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Warning: Explicit content ahead, viewer discretion advised.

God dammit, it’s that time of the month again. Oh wait, we’re dudes, we don’t get all hormonal and stuff… or do we? You know, there’s some research saying that when it’s a full moon out there men get affected and become all lovey dovey. And I thought I’ll become the next punk-a**, breakout, moon-moaning, sissy wanna-be werewolf.

So, bro, woke up on the wrong side of the bed? Having problems that are weighing you down? Girlfriend issues and thinking of ditching women for good? Already happy but why the hell not be happier? Here’s a cocktail of options guaranteed to put you in a jolly mood!

Go Back to Sleep

Sleep

Yep, I said it. Call in sick, cancel all your plans, what’s the worst thing that could happen? You live in a 3rd world country, there’s probably home-delivery sick notes right now for a nominal fee. Don’t know anyone? I’ll personally hook you up, again, for a “nominal” fee.

Exercise

I know I know, everyone is on the juice now and they all want to get big and bronze to impress them gold-diggers. Still, exercising actually improves how you feel, both mentally and physically. I don’t wanna get all Dr. Oz on your nerves but puncturing a sand bag is always better than running over someone when you’re angry. Besides, them gold-diggers have selected the local gyms as their new mines; haven’t you seen those full-makeup, half-naked chicks at your gym? Either way, whether it’s a fitness club or a night club, make the most of it pal!

Fool Around

Go to a karaoke bar in Zamalek or Mohandesin and sing your heart out on stage in front of total strangers or do the robot dance and make a complete idiot out of yourself. Trust me, chicks dig that, the crazy ones that is. What am I saying, they’re all crazy anyway!

Smoke

Smoke

If for a second you thought I meant cigarettes or even shisha, get the f*** out of here. No, hash is not addictive my friend, it’s even medicinal, I think… I’ve seen people smoke hash to lose weight, I’ve seen them smoke it go gain weight. Some laugh hysterically, and some sob like little bitches. It’s a 50/50 chance to be honest so, try once and pray you’re one of the lucky bastards. Again, home-delivery is now available and the “nominal fee” rule applies if you don’t know anyone.

Travel

Travel

Don’t be a cheap bud and break that piggybank of yours. You could go backpacking through Europe for 2 weeks for less than 10,000 EGP. To hell with the 5-star-hotel, elephant-tour-to-the-river-and-back, sit-on-the-Eiffel-tour pre-planned boloney. If you want to have fun, don’t be a bloody tourist and just explore the country as is. Google a couch surfing website and don’t go buying ridiculous crap that you won’t need. Then you’ll have enough money to actually enjoy yourself. I’d always go for travelling solo, you don’t want anyone weighing you down. Meet random strangers and have the time of your life. Or, if it’s really a hassle to get out of this rathole, drive to Sokhna and join the other lame-os. But if I were you, I’d pick a calm, cozy spot on the red sea where not many idiots have made it a touristic spot!

Do Something Fun

We can’t really argue on that. There’s always something fun out there to do. Go to Dream Park and bring out the masochist in you in all the different heart-throbbing games. Call the rest of the squad and have a paintball war. Go skating and wipe the ring with your a** but don’t break a bone. Get a tattoo, no tramp stamps though. Bring those wrestling-maniacs and mess each other up while jumping on an over-priced trampoline. Download some parody movies and laugh your behind off. Get a new haircut or shave that sorry-excuse for a beard you have. Run a food marathon you fatso or go to an all-you-can-eat restaurant. I think whatever your personality, you’ll definitely find something that goes along with it. If you didn’t, suicide might not actually be a bad idea.

I could go on forever as the possibilities are limitless of what can actually boost your mood as a masculine homosapian. I for one would go for a cocktail. Wake up, sleep some more, wake up again, exercise, drink, smoke, call other psychotic people I know, go do something fun, get out of the city, drink more, and pray it ends with an orgy. Just saying…

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